04 April 2006

Steps to Success, volume 33 - The Meeting Monkey

Tony Robbins is so last year.  Follow my simple guide and you can get yourself ensconsed in the Frappuchino-filled amniotic sac that is middle management.  Here goes:

1.) get a job.
2.) get promoted to a management position.  This is easier than you'd think; it's really just a matter of keeping your ideas to yourself, doing what you're told, and sticking around.

Okay, now that you're a manager, we're ready to rock.  Round two:
1.) whenever you're asked a question, given a task, or have rectal itch, call a meeting.  If you're not sure what to have the meeting about, who should be invited, or when to have it, call a preliminary meeting to brainstorm this.  Repeat as necessary.
2.) at the meeting, present the task you were given to your subordinates; assign related tasks to them, and demand that every step of the way be documented, so that it can be discussed at future meetings.  Repeat as necessary.
3.) present your findings to your superiors at the meetings that they have scheduled for you; they are following this guide as well.

That's it.  Stick with the program, and you will be promoted into a nice safe "VP of Information Services Management Consulting Processes" position before you know it.  Here's why:  Your employees will never question you, because they work for you and because you're keeping them docile with mind-numbing meetings and paperwork.  Because you are the one bringing solutions to your superiors, they will see you as the hero.  If something bad happens, you're cool:  If your employees balk at something, remind them that the task comes from higher up, and you'll see what you can do, but it's not your call to make, so it's best to stick with the program.  If your superiors have issues with something, act surprised that your subordinates would have come up with such a lame concept, and promise to address the issue with them.  You're bulletproof.

Of course, you will go straight to the "smoking a turd for all eternity" circle of hell for being another force for mediocrity in the world, but in the meantime that Mercedes is pretty sweet.

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